w w w . g e o c i t i e s . c o m / s u i c i d a l _ c r a y o n .
weeeeeeeeeee...

word of the day: somnific - causing sleep.
song of the day: the seed 2.0 - the roots.
quote of the day: "the past is a guidepost not a hitching post" - L Thomas Holdcroft.

hello. i'm just here to say that i have my sweet sweet broadband back and i am overwhelimingly pleased. when mum finally let me on here just before I screamed with glee... she'd been doing taxation stuff for everyone all day. i can smell lemons.
did some christmas shopping yesterday. bought some junk. bought mostly for Will, which made me feel sad, because i hadn't spent that much on my family. hopefully i'll come across some more money soon and i'll get some more stuff. all of Will's stuff is in a reindeer stocking under our christmas tree. we're going shopping with his mum on his birthday (the 23rd) and so i'll give everything to him then. we're supposed to go to the movies as well.  
Jeff is behind me playing with Frooty Loops (sound editing software) and is making samples sound warped.
haven't seen Will in ages. he says there's something wrong with him. i think it's something along the lines of post-hsc/post-school anxiety depression. he worries me. but i have a lot of things to worry about in my life lately, and to be giving all the support I am able to, and not get any in return, makes me feel like crap. i love him. i was so frigging pissed at him the other day. i told him i wanted a break. i saw him cry. i took my words back. i don't want a break...but... i guess it's hard to differentiate between what you want and what you need. i'm confused. and i'm even more confused because the person i look up to - the one person in my life who has their life planned, who knows what they want, knows what they want to do - doesn't know what to do, and doesn't know what he wants. i had a really long talk to my english teacher about Will the other day (she was his english teacher too). i didn't start the conversation wanting to talk about him, we were actually talking about the dvd we'd just watched (Andrew Denton's interview with Aron Ralston - the guy who's arm got stuck under a boulder when he was hiking and after six days trapped he cut it off) and it led to talking about Will. i told her what i felt was happening to him and why - and she said her sons went through the same sort of things after they finished school and had counselling and medication and the like - and it didn't necessarily help them. gosh, i've been having all these weird D&Ms with my teachers lately. it's freaking me out. i mean, i've had some great talks with them - but, jeez, they're my teachers...
Sally (one of my best friend)'s last week of school begins tomorrow, before she starts at Callaghan Senior College. i just had a look at their site, and it's too perfect... to my dislike, it looks like a great school... it looks so much better than Dungog. i guess i wanted it to be bad so that somehow Sally would come back to me. It's not her choice to leave i know... but i can't get over the fact that she told everyone but me about her moving and i found out by myself that she was leaving at the end of the year.
on a nicer note - on thursday i recieved in the mail a letter telling me that i had gotten through to the second stage of starstruck (huge big school concert, thousands of people, singing, dancing, musicians etc - with a chosen "theme"). i recored my audition two weeks ago and went through a lot of trouble to get it editied and get it sent in (made mum drive over to Dungog a couple of times) and it payed off. now i have until wednesday the 14th of December to practice two songs, get (or make) backing tracks for them and go down to Merewether High for my personal audition. Ursgkrln;gds... scared. If they don't think you're ready to be a soloist they often will put you into "back up" (not the normal choir thing) and you get to be on tv and get to meet heaps of people, and it's apparently heaps more fun than being a soloist. i'd like to be a backing vocalist next year, and maybe try out for solo again next year. i mean, to go from not experience in STARSTRUCK to soloist would freak me out. anyway, whatever i get will be fine, and if i don't get in - i'll still do choir. i don't have lonf to thing songs for my audition and get them ready... :( :( :( got any ideas?
blergh... dinner's ready.
x bianca.

word of the day: incarnadine - flesh-coloured; blood red.
song of the day: ben folds - mr jones I.
quote of the day: "christmas is the season in which you buy this year's gifts with next year's money" - author unknown.
this entry is brought to you by the letter N (which begins wonderful words like - nifty and nice and nonsense and newt) and the number 14 (which is how old i was last year).
hello. i'm here as promised.
i made a nice little section on the side bar about "what is hot in october" today... i know that there are still three days left of september, but i can't be bothered making one for september and another for october in three days... i used to do it all the time in my blog... *shudders* i hate that word and i hate blogs.
yeah. i played the sims for a large portion of the day. it is so stressful and time consuming.
my girl's name was violet flower and she was like my alter-ego. she had absolutely no social life and was really really sad all the time, so i gave up on her.
there seems to be a small trampoline in my lounge room.
yeah, tomorrow i'm leaving. should be nice to get away for a few days.
oh and everyone....
TIN FM (featuring my spectacular piece about youth events - or the lack thereof - in dungog) will be on the air in newcastle from 10AM Thursday on 100.5FM!!

word of the day: filemot - the colour of a dead or faded leaf; dull brown or yellowish brown.
song of the day: when the weather is fine - thirsty merc.
quote of the day: "some of the world's greatest feats were accomplished by people who were not smart enough to know they were impossible" - doug larson.

this is an entry. it is indeed.
who knows what is causing me to write in the little white box in front of me tonight... who cares... i am writing... and you should continue reading for the next couple of seconds/minutes/hours.
it is the fourth day of the holidays. one minute to ten o'clock. and my house is asleep right now.
will hasn't called, because he never does.
i talked to morgan for a good three-quarters of an hour a while back.
and then suddenly all the lights were out and everyone was curled up in blankets.
randomly, i almost wish i didn't have a pop up blocker right now... just because it would be nice to have something spontaneous happen... it would be nice to have something to look at....
the this is not art festival is on thursday to sunday in newy, which i am involved in and very excited about.
i get to mingle and be one of the tin fm radio crew. i get some of my stuff broadcasted and stuff and stuff.
i have no plans for these holidays.
i know they'll go really quickly and i'll be pissing myself at the end - asking myself "why the fuck didn't you do something these holidays?"
i think one of my best and most admirable qualities is my ablility to type without looking. i even put my fingers on the right keys.
mrs mosely, one of the design and tech teachers at school, told me on friday that my best and most admirable quality was my efficiency and my ability to err... "start something and get it done" - in regard to all the stuff i did with the radio workshop i think... she gives me a lot of compliments... i told sally that i was mrs mosely's love child. sally doesn't like mrs mosely... she calls her mrs molesly.
i'm staying with my brother and sister-in-law and flatmate while the festival is going on.
morgan is also staying with me. morgan is very nervous and shy and edgy in new places, and around new people, and so i am often apprehensive about taking her out. ah well, we'll see how we go. morgan is my best friend by the way. and she doesn't reside anywhere on the web, so i can't link-ify her name.
it is now twenty five past ten and i have come to terms with the fact that will is really not going to call me.
hmpff... guess i'll dial his number, although whether he'll pick it up is doubtful...
*dials number* one ring, two, three... answer.. weeeeeeeeeeeee....
guess i'll go then.
i promise i'll be back tomorrow.
mm...
bianca is back in the swing of things.

brown_cardboard
got
me
a
new
(friends
only)
journal.
comment
and i'll
gladly
add
you.
:)

mood: sleepy. cold. moody. quiet. questionative.
sounds: some mind-numbingly boring afternoon game show on the tv. 

hey. this little white box is quite daunting when it has nothing in it.
i bit my nails down to stubs today.
i now have painfully stubby fingernails.
i really really should be ROTE learning my english essay so that i can write the exact same thing in tomorrows cross form test.
this is so fucked... and it's so long...
ah never mind, don't listen to me...
when i told will he just said that once you get to year 12 you'll do that all the time and blah and blah "and you're being fucking cynical".
i have no money and nowhere to go and i've put on weight and i feel sluggish...
i'd like to go see hitch hiker's guide to the galaxy, but i can't see that happening anytime soon. reason one: no money. reason two: no way of getting anywhere.
i've been fighting with will a lot lately.
as in phone fights. as in on the phone. (although fighting WITH phones would be far more enteraining).
but yeh... it's weird... maybe it's because we've reached that stage in our relationship where we've just run out of things to talk about, so we have to disagree with the things each other says... just so we can make our conversations longer... or maybe it's just because we're just fighting for no reason. probably the latter.
i think i've just reached that stage in my LIFE where i've run out of things to say. does that happen to other people? is this normal. i sat through most of my classes today, silent (whilst biting my fingernails) just because there wasn't anything to be said.
my nose is chilly.
sultanas and almonds taste good together.
maybe i'll write more when i've fucking LEARNT MY ENGLISH ESSAY OFF BY HEART...
fuck this shit... haha...

i'm having one of those days where i hate all my friends. i'm sorry. haha.
mixed mood.
 
i'm hungry. my step dad is making dinner, which means steak and three veg. bianca starves tonight. hoorah.

my fingers and toes have blisters.
and will was really mean and offensive to me today about me wearing make up. he says it like i've done something so horribly wrong or like i'm trying to impress someone. just to verify, every single person in the whole world feels bad about the way they look at some point... when this happens to me, i tend to coat my face with chemicals to make myself feel better... i mean, as long as i am happy, why should he even care? i'm sure he REALLY has my best interests at heart when he says things like that... it just makes me feel worse about the way i look... he literally tells me that i look "horrible" when i wear it. i was like "fuck you"... nah, i wasn't... but i should've.

my step dad is playing some strange country music. maybe garth brooks.
my mum is working late.
my sister is playing with duplo. she got into the soccer team today and got her note for high school... 8 more months of freedom!!!

i wish i lived in the city. i want hustle. i want bustle.
i want to interact with other human beings.
i feel like such a boring human being.
i have no dreams, hopes, aspirations... well, none that i can name off the top of my head.
will says i think too much.
i don't think i think enough.

he's playing this same song over and over again... i can only withstand so much... where's mum?

these peas taste like toothpaste.
i'm gonna have tomorrow off and go see will. and so, yet again, the world's most spoty chik will not be attending dungog high school's atheletics carnival tomorrow.

i'm sick of being so fucking cynical.
at this precise time, a year on, i want every aspect of my life to be different. i want i want i want...
remind me not to blog again for a while.

[word: animadvert - to comment critically (upon) or to express criticism.]
[song: lines - pete murray.]
[quote: to escape criticism - do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.  - elbert hubbard.]
[site: dorkish.]

11946 views on my blog.
i need a shower.
i'm going to play with my spirograph.
i like buttermenthols.
it's fun having a dvd player.
mean girls is a cool movie, strangely enough...
my mum bought me a new school bag.
it's blue. and has a nice big brand name splashed across it.
but that's okay. it looks nice. and it's small.
i'm reading emily's blog.
every time i read her blog i feel really sad for her.
it always seems like something's going badly for her.
-------------------------------retraction----------------------------------
my mum is doing pilates. hahahaha.
i have mosquito bites all on me.
my hands smell like vicks.
i have to stop sitting on my knees.
maybe i'll go take some more of those lovely multi-vitamin pills my mum feeds me. i haven't had my handful for today. i wonder if you could overdose on multi-vitamin pills. my sister showed me this article about people becoming TOO healthy and dying. i thought it was funny.
i want to go to newcastle soon and pick up all the cool free street press magazines... like urchin, and the brag, and drum media and stuff. goodly.
my mum looks funny doing those exercises.
that's all i have to say today. 
site of the day: this is not art
word of the day: welter - writhe, toss.
song of the day: darren hanlon - hiccups.
love you of the day: nicholas please cheer up =). 
quote of the day: "reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one" - albert einstein.

yep...

hello.
my mum just gave me 2 multi vitamins. i don't really know why. she bought a vat of them. they were brown and weird shaped. i don't like taking pills. i just don't like the thought of having something un-natural in me. i guess multi-vitamins are natural. i just don't like them.

it's so nice to be home. spending time with the band/william is nice too, but nothing beats being home and being able to walk around without pants.

i stayed up late last night watching fifty first dates with my mum and sister. my mum bought a dvd player and a new mobile phone when i was away. and my sister bought her own tv.

and afterwards i cleaned up my room a bit and listened to the beach boys. post-12.
when i was a kid, a beach boys tape was all i wanted for a long time.
my brother said he'd get me one, but i don't think he did.
my favourite song was kokomo and i knew all the words.

my foot is sleeping.

my sister is watching shrek 2 on the new dvd player.
there's a cover of david bowie's "changes", i don't like it.
i agree with will, this is the most uncomfortable chair. 
i have this theory that nothing feels good and nothing feels bad.
we are told and we tell ourselves that certains things feel good, and that certain things feel bad. so if i told myself over and over that this chair was the most comfortable chair i have ever sat upon, eventually i would believe it.

i think will's dad really wants a grandchild. well, grandson. he doesn't like females. he's been making all these little hints about it. his other son's wife is pregnant, but i guess that's different because he's adopted.
he's recently traced the williamson family history all the way back to 1780 and really wants the "william williamson" name to live on. will says that there is no way he'd call his son william... i wouldn't care. i think it's funny. i think i'd like to get married young, but have children late.

nah, whatever, fuck i don't have a clue about my future.

i've always liked the thought of doing careers (as a subject) in year ten... everyone says it's shit boring, but i'd just like to know my options. i don't want to get out of school, work all my life, and then die. i want experiences. i want to go places and look at things... i wouldn't care if i was on the dole all my life, no job and no money, as long as i could go out with my books and write and draw and analyse.

i have reflux again because i stopped taking my pills.
and cramps. and a cold. and dirty hair.

dave still hasn't come home from the pub.
he's been on this four day binge drinking thing.
mum says that when he comes back she's going to move all her stuff into the shed, and live out there, so she doesn't have to be near him.
he hates me. he told me so. along with some spitting and cussing. 

news of the day: the new white stripes album comes out june 7, 2005 and is titled - get behind me satan.
word of the day: chrestomathy - a volume of selected literary passages, usually by one author.
song of the day: wouldn't it be nice - the beach boys (wouldn't it be nice if the cadbury corporation hadn't stolen this song for advertising. now i feel like chocolate every time i hear the song.)
reminder of the day: sunday night safran, triple-j, 9-11pm.
quote of the day: "decaffeinated coffee is kind of like kissing your sister" - bob irwin.